The feel-good queen
Her Royal Majesty Queen Inspira was Eugene’s 21st Reigning S.L.U.G. Queen. She currently enjoys exalted “Old Queen” status and looks forward to elevating even farther to “Very Old Queen” soon (like fine wine, a SLUG Queen’s value increases with time).
Inspira followed an unusual route to her crown. The year she ran for Queen there was some confusion about the official date of the Coronation. Originally it was set for one month before the Eugene Celebration (Friday, August 15th). Thus she began promoting the date to friends, family, local media, and was even known to hand out fliers while in line at the grocery store. Suddenly, just weeks before that date, S.L.U.G. moved the coronation to opening night of the Eugene Celebration (Friday, September 19th), because Inspira was the only contestant.
Quick on her “foot” (gastropods only have one after all), Inspira, the wanna-be-queen, hosted a publicity event on the original date to stir up interest and rally some competition for the crown. “I don’t want to disappoint my public by not being there when I said I would be.” Inspira never disappoints.
“Welcome to our own private event,” Inspira said when the sound system malfunctioned. “Does anyone have a boom box in their pocket?” she asked. Just then, one of Inspira’s loyal subjects drove up and offered the use of his car’s stereo. With their jury-rigged musical accompaniment, Inspira and her court (a dozen women in gaudy prom gowns) launched into a spirited song-and-dance routine of her original song “S.L.U.G.ene” (S.L.Eugene) sung to the tune of Y.M.C.A.. “Release your inner extrovert,” Inspira extolled.
Inspira, herself, appeared in a flowing rainbow diaphanous gown over a fuchsia unitard, with glittery, jewelry-encrusted, 3-inch-platform flip flops–she was nothing short of glitzy and glaring. Her crown, constructed of an upside down basket bedecked in gold and dangling wind chimes, hypnotized onlookers. “It’s tacky, gaudy glamor,” Inspira said of her ensemble. “I am what I am.”
The next morning, the cover story for the Register-Guard City/Region section announced “Gaudy Gastropod Ascends to Throne” naming Inspira Eugene’s new S.L.U.G. Queen. The news unleashed a flurry of controversy among the Old Queens who had not sanctioned the self coronating event.
Fabulous drama ensued initiating renewed interest in the actual competition and coronation the following month.
Despite drumming up three stellar competitors (Fay Koster, Jessica Beauchamp, and Autumn DePoe), Inspira was the obvious crowd favorite. The Old Queens and celebrity judges were justifiably sluggish in making a decision, but the following morning, the Register Guard plastered a huge photo radiant photo of Inspira receiving her official S.L.U.G. Queen crown on the cover of the city section. She just could not be denied.
“Pomp and circumstance aside, serving as S.L.U.G. Queen is important stuff”, said Inspira, also known
as Kassy Daggett, a Eugene communication coach, licensed massage therapist, and workshop presenter at Breitenbush Hot Springs.
“Just think,” reminds Queen Inspira, “YOU could be the next Reigning S.L.U.G. Queen if you start now! Remember my advice to all wanna-be-queens. . . Bribe early, bribe often!”
“By the way, it’s Great to be Queen because I am the most powerful piece on the board and I can move in any direction. Oh wait, that’s chess. Oh well, it applies here too. But the best thing about being Queen is that I don’t have to remember names anymore, I just call everyone Dahhhhling! Life is SO much simpler!”
Now aren’t you Inspired!